what if i said give up?

What if I were to tell you give up? What if I were to tell someone who has hit bottom give up on you? That is a terrifying thought, right? Who in their right mind would tell a troubled person at their worst moment to give up on themselves?

Now what if I told you, “give up on yourself, therefore all you can do is look toward God.” If you were to give up your desire, your truths, your everything, and gave up to God? How would it change things? Would I feel free? Would I be lost? Would being lost be better than believing in myself?

I realized this past week that I have made God into something small. I believed that He could not heal me of this disorder. I was too sick to save. But I was special, everyone else can be rescued from the point they are at but not me. I was God’s one exception.

But as I hit a low this week, where I felt exhausted and tired of dealing with all the health problems ED brings about I felt a little hopeless. I lay on my floor, cried and told God I can’t keep doing this. I just want to give up on everything. The world is too much. Adulthood is something I never asked for. Making decisions is something I can’t do. Functioning is becoming way too hard. I wanted to give up on life. And as I continued thinking about what giving up meant I realized I could give up on me. I would be okay with giving up on me. But there is no way I could give up on God. He’s too great. He loves me too much. I pondered this thought for a few days. What does it mean to give up on you but not on God? Is that even possible?

I came to the conclusion, however, that it is possible. I could give up everything and just let God control my life and lead me where He needs me to be. I’m giving up trying to be the best. I’m giving up feelings. I’m giving up trying to make all my dreams come true. Why am I doing that? Because obviously feelings/ trying to be perfect/ chasing after the wind is getting me nowhere and causing me lots of harm. Maybe giving up and allowing God to work will be just what I need. He can do what I can’t. I can’t function on my own; I need His help to do so. Its freeing… giving up on me means giving up my disorder and trusting God will change my mindset since that is impossible on my own it seems.

It’s time for God to lead… the God that wants the best for me, something better than I could ever dream of. It’s time for me to be totally submissive to God who is so much bigger than my problems.

Making a step now to pray more and get into the Word more. Lately I’ve been writing down my prayers which I recommend. It helps my mind not wander and helps me not dwell on topics and looking back through written prayers I can see subtle changes in my thinking and see where God has answered prayers.

How great is our God, that even hitting a bottom I’m not alone and can go to someone who genuinely cares. Ptl.

my goodbye letter

Dear Ana,

I’m getting to a point in my life where I cannot have you constantly beating me down. It’s time to go our separate ways no matter how painful it may be, you see, it’s the best for me. I’m tired of you controlling my life. I’m tired of me trying to control my life. Time to give God full control. Although that does seem a little scary I know He will take better care of me than you ever did/will/can.

Throughout the years you have been there for me- a consistent part of my life, really. You have been my way of coping through pain and how I celebrate in good times. For the past year however, you have not been a positive part of my life. The past year I have tried many times to find what I love, what I want to do, to stop making you god and start living life for God. I can’t do these things with you in my life. It just won’t work out.

For the last few months, you made me sick. For a little while you made me feel at peace. Finally I stopped caring about everything. As I lay in the hospital bed that YOU put me in, I found peace. At first it was wonderful. However, you caused me to hurt my friends- the people that really cared for me. I remember the looks on each one of their faces and I recall the guilt that I felt in knowing that I broke several promises. You turned me into someone I didn’t even know. I stopped being a good friend. I stopped caring about my own life. I desired the worst and felt like I deserved the worse because of you.

Although, I realized the harm you caused me I still loved you. It became a love hate relationship at this point. I recognized the hurt you caused yet I still expected you to provide me the comfort/security/everything I needed. As I continued to deal with you, you made me miss great opportunities, lie to friends, miss school, you made me hurt myself.

Today, you scared me. You have caused me to think I’m not deserving of things I need to live. You caused me chest pain, headaches, a racing heart, arrhythmias; you cause me to want to go to the hospital. I no longer desire that.

I’m going to tell you what I desire. I desire to live a life that God has given me-one that is filled with purpose, beauty, and joy. You cannot do this for me and even if you could it would not be to the extent that He can provide me. I am His. He will save me from your grip. He will do more than you ever could. I desire Him. I am choosing Him. I am choosing life. Not you.

I say goodbye Ana.

Yours truly.

start saying I can

Today. Tonight. Tomorrow. The next day. Next Week.

It all seems very daunting to me. It seems like more days to worry about my next move, to worry about my classes, to try and hold myself together. But although life seems quite chaotic, unbearable, awful, (whatever word you would like to throw in, it can be fun… it can be a lot better than the current situation I am in now.

You see, I have moments of clarity. I do. I have moments where my ED is not controlling me and I can smile genuinely, laugh to the point I cry, and have thoughts that make sense… however most of the time, I’m stuck in my own reality where north is south, east is actually west, hot is cold and food is something for the weak. My reality is one that is shaken by the littlest move, the tiniest mistake causes my world to crash down which in turn makes me think that I’m a failure. Often enough I feel as if I have passed the point of no return where I made one too many mistakes and have come to the conclusion that I am a failure. If you ask me too, I can tell you various moments that confirmed this thought.

If I keep on believing this thought-process though, I’m not going to get better. I’m not going to be able to get through the control of this ED.

Time to change things. Tell myself, I am not a failure. I’m good at making people feel comfortable (as I am told), I am a loyal friend, I am someone who can dance, who can cheer someone up… I have things to offer the world. I’m going to start telling myself I can and see how that goes. See how changing my mindset can result in days not seeming so scary…

Let this be part of my recovery toolbox (somethingfishy.org).

Second chances

HA! My God is awesome.

Yesterday I was so upset. I knew and was determined to start getting sick and more into my ed again. This is a difficult process but I believe God is really helping me through this.

Here is a song that really brings me back and helps me see that I did not damage God’s plan for me and even though I go back to old ways I’m able to get a new start through Him.

Fear

Fear.

God’s answer to fear? “Do not be afraid.”

Well that’s great. There are no steps to how not to fear. There is no outline for me to follow. All there is, is those four words: Do Not Be Afraid. And also the fact that the person saying this is the Almighty God…

Do not fear is easier said than done, of course. I’ve been thinking a lot about this concept of fear lately. One reason being I’m afraid of everything. Correction… not everything. But sometimes I do wonder if I’m going to develop agoraphobia. I’m so fearful of going into unfamiliar situations. For example, yesterday I wanted to do yoga. I found several places offering good deals for new students like 2 weeks of yoga for only 20 dollars… these places are right by my house and I wanted to go so bad. I spent all day looking at times and classes of when I could go. Instead of jumping into my car with my new yoga gear I had second thoughts. These places are new… what if I don’t like them… what if I don’t fit in… what if its not like my other yoga studio… what if… what if… what if… after two hours (yes… I said it… two hours!) of going back and forth on whether I should go to one of these new yoga studios or not. I ultimately decided I would just go to my regular one. Its familiar. But then I thought… I’m going to be paying almost twenty bucks for a class when I could go to one of these new studios for 2 weeks for that price.

Well all this thinking caused me to give up. My head hurt. I felt sick that I couldn’t make a decision. I had anxiety just thinking about walking into a new place. Not worth it. Not worth putting myself through all this. So not only did fear contribute to me not being able to make a decision it lead me to running seven miles later because I did not get a workout in earlier.

Why do I fear unfamiliar places? I went to Europe. Throw in a place where I knew no one, didn’t know the language, culture and practices, and yet I felt more comfortable there than I do here. I thought my adventurous side was coming out and I was able to leave fear behind me in the dust. Apparently not.

This fear of not wanting to be in unfamiliar places is leading me to turning down job offers/internships which could really benefit my future. I really need to work on this.

So what to do about this:

Realize that God is in control

It is okay to make mistakes- nothing too bad will happen

Realize that you will be missing out on so many opportunities

That not going through with things will just lead to more confusion/hatred/anger… nothing good.

Push myself to get out of the house!

Its okay not to know what the next step is… turn this fear into curiosity.

Is God all you need?

Okay that sounds like a ridiculous question. My answer would be yes, of course God is all you need. Is that my solution to every problem, question, or concern? This is what I"m trying to figure out.

In theory I know God can help you work through anything. He can change mindsets. With your want, He can completely transform you. God gives people a purpose. He gives us millions of second chances.

So if I know all this and believe this, how come I can't jump in and fully want God to change me?

Whats bringing all this up is I'm back from Europe and over there I was good. I ate too much; I didn't obsess about my weight. I didn't have anxiety. I return home to an overwhelming amount of anxiety to the point where it hurts to breathe and I end up lying on my bedroom floor dizzy, upset, and shaky.

I'm returning to the habits I had before I left. Routine of running, having to see what my weight is (because that tenth of a pound is quite important), doing my daily critique in the mirror and going over everything that is wrong with myself. And i'll stumble my way to the kitchen packed with food that I will most likely go bad because i'm on a diet. Yes, yes, I know I see things I could force myself to stop doing and I see how this is illogical. No one needs to tell me this.

I'm afriad I'm falling back into this problem again. There is always this fear/joy in the back of my mind now that I'm going to be in the hospital. I'm going to snap again...completely lose my mind and make it harder for myself to get out of this mess.

Last night a friend gave me what he thinks may help. Quoting the Bible. So before thoughts that I know (or should know) not to be true pops into my head I should not even go forth in thinking about it. I should just say a bible verse like Isaish 26:3 or the one where it says He will cleanse us from all unrighteousness. I guess it could work. Maybe my fear in doing this is that it will work.

Don't I want to get better? Yes and no. When I sit on my bed upset and can't breathe yes I do want to get better. When i'm able to turn away from something people deem necessary for our existance I say no.

Maybe my question is not Is God all you need to get better....maybe it should be: How willing are you to let God heal you? What lengths are you willing to go to follow Him?

Psalm 30:2

O Lord my God, I cried to you for help, and you have healed me.



the movie Lidice

Last night we saw the movie Lidice. It was a wonderful movie about this town outside Praha that was completely wiped out by Hitler’s regime. Kids were gassed if they did not fit the ideal person- blonde hair and white with blue eyes; the women were off to concentration camps of which a few women survived; and the men and the boys above the age of 16 were shot. It was a difficult movie to digest. But it was told in a really amazing way. I guess it was the only place the Germans admitted to practicing genocide. I’m so glad I saw this movie. It is crazy to think that this happened like a half an hour away from Praha. Its also weird to think that Hitler and his regime were here. We may be walking the same streets as them.

This movie theatre was amazing also. The artwork was amazing. It looked like an opera house. Not something you would see in Phoenix. What is interesting about  this place is that it has been around since 1909 and the place looks fantastic. There are no sticky floors, candy everywhere, popcorn, none of that. It was carpet, nice seats, it was in great condition. People definitely respect the art here. If this place was in Phoenix I can almost guarantee that this place would be defamed.

I’m really liking the way people take their time (granted this was a problem when we had breakfast and we were starving and it took forever to get our food..). When you go out to eat you don’t get the feeling as if you are being rushed. You could sit there all day if you want. What was interesting also was after the movie. No one rushed out of the theatre when the credits started. People stayed from beginning to end. No one was late coming in. No one left in the middle of the movie. People stayed; definitely not the case in America. People crowd the doors at the beginning of the credits.

Anyways, today we go explore Praha. Charles bridge and get lost. Wonderful.